HumanSpirit Radio Network

Free At Last ~ Dissolving Separation from the Inside

Posted on: January 15, 2013

~ by Sarah McCroskey

Recently I came upon a part within me that surfaces, painfully, from time to time with a nagging refrain, “Maybe I’m doing it wrong” or sometimes more urgently, “I must be doing it wrong!”

Ugh!  Still?  Haven’t I been committed to a path of awakening long enough to be free of that!??  Evidently not, but you know, I’m finding that it’s really okay.  Just another in the series of breadcrumbs or ore realizations, I set out for myself when I concocted this soul-journey, this current incarnational adventure.

Of course it surfaces painfully.  Would I wade in deeply enough to find the treasure within it if I wasn’t viscerally compelled to heal it?

This particular “ouchy” became apparent to me when I was listening to a broadcast on the HumanSpirit Radio Network called Living in Conscious Relationship with host Allan Hardman.  Someone had asked Allan a question and Allan was coaching this person past their automatic response into a deeper realization regarding the subject at hand.  No matter the subject, what I noticed is that I was energetically/emotionally cringing on behalf of the person being coached.  They, by the way, were fine with the coaching, while I was cringing!

This is when I recognized this piece that surfaces when I become defensive or think/judge that I “should know something” when I don’t.  “I must be doing it wrong.”  This interpretation evokes within me a feeling of deep shame and feeling cornered.

Hmmm.  I wrote down the phrase “I’m doing it wrong” and since then, I’ve been exploring…in a natural, curious way, how does this operate in me.

The obvious childhood stuff was apparent once again, of being the youngest girl in a family of four bright, precocious children competing for what appeared to be a scarcity of attention, validation and love.  But, God! Haven’t I been over that before?!!

What grips me is how does this dynamic live on in me? The family version is over.  Who’s judging who now?

A week later, as I was driving, I became inspired to allow a conversation to occur within me, between my Spirit self (expansive, big picture holder) and my ego self, which shed a lot of light on how this “I’m doing it wrong” lives on.

I asked the ego self, “Is there anything you’d like to say?” To which it replied, “Yes! I feel blamed for everything you don’t like or judge as bad.” 

I was surprised and began to feel that even the name “ego” had an ugly edge to it for me.  I said, “Would you like a new name?” and she said, “Yes, Little Light.”

This completely broke the ice and I found myself honoring and conversing with this part of me in an absolutely new way.  I was endeared to her!  This initiated the sweetest of healings, a true integration process, as I began to develop a rapport with this part of me…the one who held the key to “I’m doing it wrong.”  That’s exactly the way she felt, because that was what I told her over and over again (along with energetically walling her off to the best of my ability – not recommended…or very effective).

As I’m choosing to listen to these aspects, lending them my voice and hearing “their” perspective, I am finding richness and awareness, a texture of being, where before there was a raw separation within my Self.  Rather than labeling them (ego, Judge, fearful child…) and unwittingly making them repositories for thoughts, feelings and reactions I wish I didn’t have or feel powerless over, I am listening to the diversity of experience, perspective and opinion within me.

The healing this is bringing is deep and poignant. The sense of freedom is palpable as each voice is invited to express, reveal, and be honored.

For separation is tricky this way.  Whatever we say is “not us” or judge negatively, on the inside or the outside, becomes the “other” to project upon. 

A huge aspect of “the mystery of the world” gets resolved here.  “Good/bad, right/wrong, should exist, shouldn’t exist” are the dualities I have generated within me.  And if I can’t stand the heat of the battle as it rages within me – I simply externalize it.

We knew when we arrived here that we were Wholeness Itself – an Unlimited Creator Being.  We just got talked out of it.  We bought what our parents bought, and their parents bought – for countless generations. 

There’s traction here as we drop our, now internalized, conditioning. For if I can love and allow each and every part of me, I can assure you, I’ll be much easier on you!

Healing the separation within and loving our “selves” back to Wholeness?  Well, it just may heal our world. 


Copyright © 2013 Sarah McCroskey. All Rights Reserved. 

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3 Responses to "Free At Last ~ Dissolving Separation from the Inside"

Great post, makes so much sense. Thanks 🙂

Reblogged this on Jonathan Hilton and commented:
Separation Anxiety?

Great article Sarah, I can totally relate to this conflict you express. I face it every day myself. Keep being the great example you are.

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